Should I Be Honest With My Daughter About How I Feel About Her Moving Across The Country?
DEAR SHERRY:
My 23-year-old daughter is moving across the Country. She is excited to be on her own and have her first apartment but I can't help being sad. What is the best way to support her in this transition? Should I be honest with her about my sadness or is it better to pretend to be excited for her sake?
HARD TO LET GO
DEAR HARD TO LET GO:
It is so hard when someone you love moves far away. I feel so sad when people I love move away, it is a big loss and it takes time to process the many feelings it can bring up.
As a parent, you devote your life to raising your child, only to give them wings to fly. It can feel like it’s a cruel joke when they tell you they are moving away.
I would recommend being honest with her and letting her know you are sad and that you will miss her being here. At the same time, I would make sure not to discourage her from leaving or make her feel responsible for your sad feelings. Let her know you just need time to adjust to this big news.
Give yourself permission to process this loss. Things just won’t be the same. You can’t go for a walk with her, or shopping, or to get your nails done, or out to eat. Things will be different, but you can still connect and see her beautiful face through the internet, which is a blessing. When you see her in person, it can be even more special.
Besides the “surface” loss, there can be a “deeper” loss here as well. Everyone in our life represents something to us. Someone might represent adventure, joy, security, companionship, self-esteem. When they leave, it leaves a void that we need to now find in ourselves, or in another way.
For example, I have an old friend who is moving, and I didn’t even realize it, but growing up he represented security for me. Even though it is 35 years later, his move is bringing up emotions from the past that I had never dealt with. I never had to deal with these emotions because he has always been here and a source of security, just by his presence alone. As I work through these emotions, it allows me to reclaim a part of myself that was buried within me, which feels great!
I would try and share in your daughter's joy even though it is difficult for you. The more you process your own feelings, the more you can truly be happy for her and the new life she is creating.
Big hugs,
SHERRY
